Sometimes, Life Gives You the Finger...

I will apologize in advance for those that are reading this instead of hearing it from me either in person or via phone. I tried to get a hold of as many people as I could…

Well, there is something that I’ve been meaning to get off of my chest for a while now. With recent developments, I’m ready to talk. This is very lengthy so get a nice beverage and get comfortable. There is no easy way to say this, so I’ll just come out and say it. My wife of 6 years (best friend of 11.5 years) and I are getting a divorce. Those of you that know both of us will find this completely unbelievable and shocking. Well, you have caught up with me now. The story is long and painful, but I’ll try to keep true to the events with some details deleted for my sanity sake.

I would describe our marriage as typically perfect, you know, everything is in place and going according to plans with a few spats and arguments. But what marriage doesn’t have that? I thought everything was going well up until about 3 months ago (last week of June or so). In May, Heather graduated from Texas A&M University at Galveston with a degree in Marine Biology. Exciting times…that was something that she had always wanted to achieve…to be an Aggie, like her father, like me…
After graduation she accepted a job with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) as a platform observer. She observes marine life around decommissioned oil/gas rigs in the Gulf of Mexico prior to the oil rigs being removed. This is to ensure the safety and well being of marine life, especially marine life that may be endangered. I wasn’t thrilled with her job selection, but it was her choice and so I didn’t say anything about it. Even if I had, I’m not sure it would’ve mattered. Anyway, this job will take her offshore, away from me and the cats for anywhere up to 2 weeks at a time.
I don’t exactly recall the exact times and such, but her first trip after training occurred in mid to late June. She was gone for 8 days on her first trip. She was excited about her job and she told me what they did and showed me pictures and such. It seemed exciting…for her at least. Well, after that first trip, heather seemed a little distant, not quite the same. I just assumed it was the excitement of the new job, the pressure of being away for so long and the adjustment to sea life. A few days later when I got home from work there was a note saying that she was going on another 3 or 4 day job. I found this odd. She has never left before without calling to tell me where she was going and such. Being naïve, I assumed that it was a last minute job and she didn’t have time to call…She called a few days later to say that this trip was more or less a waste. They didn’t get much done. Upon her return, again, she seemed a bit more distant than the time before. Again, I didn’t think much about it…
The next day (I believe) we went to an Astros game (it believe it was Roger Clemens first game of the season). It was our annual ADCO trip to the ballpark and also longhorn night. I made some comment about how some Aggie traditions were stupid and that upset heather. That night she was really standoffish and quiet. I had to go to work the next morning, but decided that when I got home from work I would sit down and talk with heather to find out what was bothering her. I never got that chance. When I got home from work that day, there was another note saying that she was going to stay with her friend Stephanie for a few days. Again, this was very strange. And this note bothered me. This was right around the very end of June or the beginning of July.
STS 121/ULF1.1 mission was supposed to launch on the first, but got delayed several days due to weather. The mission actually launch on July 4th. I tried calling heather several times to find out where she was and how she was doing. No response. It seemed her cell phones were off. Again, I was very concerned. Also by this time I had started to sleep shift for the mission. I was working the 3am-noon shift. It was hard to get any sleep not knowing where heather was. I was able to track her whereabouts through our shared account. I knew that she was in Louisiana. This is where her first two jobs took her. So here’s the first lie I was able to catch. I had no idea how she was with or what she was doing. Again, multiple phone calls with no responses. I’m super worried now. Do I call the police? I started to come unglued. We had already launched by this point, so I was still trying to support my duties on the mission. I think it was probably July 7th or so when heather finally came home. When she walked in the door I ran over to her and hugged her, as I was crying. I was relieved that she was home and safe. She was very angry and seemed a very different person. She then said, “Do you want to know now or after the mission?” I told her I couldn’t go another 9 days without knowing something. Then she told me that she didn’t love me the way she used to and was considering leaving me. I felt as though I was hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. I couldn’t breathe (I’m not sure that I have been able to catch my breath yet). I cried and pleaded. I just didn’t understand why? She then gave me the reasons that she was not happy.
She started off by saying that the last 2-3 years she’s been unhappy. Here are the reasons that she gave me in no particular order: (1) I spend too much time on the internet. Yep, I’m guilty here. (2) I didn’t seem too excited about her graduation and academic advances. Partially guilty here. I was excited about her graduation…I even had this plan in place for her graduation gift. It was brilliant. I did make some rude comments about getting her aggie ring. I must’ve been in a bad mood that day. So, partially guilty there. (3) I never wanted to spend time with her friends. Partially true. The unfortunate thing about her friends was that they were all on the west side of Houston or in Galveston. I did go to a few social events with heather’s friends, but there were never many opportunities to socialize with her friends…at least opportunities that I was aware of. A few times I did turn down some opportunities…don’t remember the circumstances. (4) I would criticize or make rude comments about things that she liked. For instance, the types of vehicles she liked. I just didn’t like them or thought they were too expensive for what she needed. So, again, guilty here. I guess it made her feel bad. (5) When we’d go out with our mutual friends (who I work with), we would talk about work. Heather felt left out many times by the conversations we would have. It wasn’t until heather actually pointed this out that I became aware of it. From the time she told me, I tried to not talk about work. I think there may have been a few additional reasons that I have forgotten, but that is what was relayed to me. I felt horrible about the things that she told me I was doing…for I didn’t realize I was doing them until she pointed them out. She claims that she has tried to tell me on several occasions and that her mother could tell something was wrong with her. Not once do I remember heather sitting me down, looking into my eyes, and telling me that she is unhappy…and these X reasons are why. If I had only known, I could have done something about it before it was too late.
So, now in my desperation to correct things, I do all that I can to rectify the things that I have wronged. I know it’s cheesy, but I had to start somewhere. I bought her some flowers and an apology card the following day after I got off of work. She thought that was predictable and a silly notion. I stopped spending time on the internet when she was home (that’s the reason for the lack of posts). I did everything I could think of…I was desperate to try any and everything.
Keep in mind that I am still trying to fly a mission here. I’m not sleeping, I’m not eating, and the control center is always so cold. So, aside from my mental deterioration, my physical health started to slip as well. I could only take a few more days of work. I finally made the decision to step down from the mission. I felt I was no longer safe to fly the vehicle and perform my duties at a safe level. I contacted my boss and arranged for a replacement. Upon telling heather of this news, she became irate at me. It made her mad that I quit my first mission to be with her. I told her it was an easy and the right decision. That didn’t seem to change anything. I also should be in Moscow right now supporting STS115/12A. I did not want to be away from heather if our relationship was dying. I needed to be here to at least give us a chance. You see, I missed heather’s 30th birthday because I was in Moscow. I didn’t want to miss our anniversary this year.
So, I spend the week with her at home, hoping that spending time together will make things better. Unfortunately very little is said. I spent 5 hours writing my feelings down for heather to read…she was unaffected by it. I don’t recall the exact date, but I believe by this point heather has stopped telling me that she loves me and she does not wear her wedding rings anymore. I can’t tell you how much that hurt.
Well, the time together was probably not the best thing. I suppose I started to smother heather with my feelings and telling her how she should feel. She didn’t appreciate that. That following week I decided to go back to work. I needed some normalcy back in my life. Being back at work was a bit strange…people were asking how I was doing and if I was feeling better. My co-workers thought I had the flu bug or some other illness. I still looked like death. My only response was that I was still alive.
Heather went away to help hatch sea turtles down in Port Aransas, or so I thought. Again, I caught her in a lie. I can’t prove that she was ever in Port Aransas, but I can prove that she was back in Louisiana. You can only imagine the thoughts running through my head. With heather gone, I was free to leave the house. I had not mentioned anything to my parents yet. I wanted to tell them in person. So, the day heather left for Port Aransas, I made the 70 mile trip to East Bernard to tell my parents. That was hard. At that time I still felt like the bad guy and that this was all my fault. I was still very much in shock.
Several more weeks of this go by. Heather is going offshore and is still very angry with me and I’m still desperately trying to save our marriage. I have many days where I just don’t want to get out of bed and of course there are a lot of tears. I’m deep in the denial stage and deep in depression. These few weeks are a bit foggy…I don’t remember much about them. I do know at some point in there I confided in my good friends Josh and Lisa. They knew something was up, but just didn’t know what. I felt that I needed to tell more people, because holding what I had inside was going to tear me apart eventually. Rob and Melissa knew early on because heather told them. I had been in contact with Judith (heather’s mom) and Laura (heather’s sister). They helped me through some uncertain periods, but it became evident that I couldn’t keep communicating with them. I didn’t want them to “take sides” in this mess. I know they love their daughter/sister unconditionally and me expressing my pain and anguish to them was not fair to them. Even though I know they feel/felt the same disbelief.
In the interest of trying to shorten the story, I’ve omitted a few smaller stories within the story. The other stories, bear some corroborating evidence that is yet to be revealed, but is not really needed here.
Now I guess it’s time to discuss the second worst moment of my life. One night as we were going to bed, I told heather that I was sad and all the reasons why I was sad. After saying what I had to say, I rolled over and thought I was going to go to sleep. She then started to tell me things…she started to cry. She told me, “There’s something I need to tell you but I just can’t.” She was crying while she said this. This was the first time that I have seen her change her emotion from emotionless angry state to crying. I roll over to try and comfort her and hug her and she pushes me away and yells, “don’t”. She gets out of bed and runs into the living room crying harder now. My stomach just sank; I know this is not good. I chased after her to find out what is wrong. She then proceeds to tell me that she is/has fallen in love with someone else. She says that they connected on a completely different level than what heather and I did. She told me that they talked about me and both knew that what they were feeling/doing was wrong. She then told me that she didn’t sleep with him, but that she had kissed him. Another 1000 daggers pierced my heart. But I felt what she was telling me was honest and it did hurt that she told me she kissed him, but I was relieved to find out that they hadn’t slept together. That was my worst nightmare. I felt that I could still salvage the marriage. I could deal with a kiss, but anything more than that I don’t think I could. Again, I was naïve.
Again, she went out on another job and was away for more than a week. During that week she was gone I found pictures on our laptop of her and him. That tore me up. The pictures didn’t reveal anything more than a hug…but nonetheless painful to see. I opted not to delete them at this time. I wanted us to work things out and have her delete them. So they stayed on the computer a little while. I eventually deleted the pictures.
The day is now August 17th. Heather is back from her latest trip offshore. Unfortunately that night I had to support a simulation and my shift started at 10:00pm. I left the house around 9:15pm. Heather was on the phone at the time and I told her I’d be back around 7am or so. While I was waiting for some activities to be performed in the simulation, I wrote the story above in an email to an old high school friend, Ann Marie. I felt I needed talk to someone outside our circle of friends and someone not family. Of course Ann Marie didn’t respond until the next day I believe.
The next morning when I got home, I crawled into bed very tired. Heather was going to take the cats to the vet that morning and when she got up I heard her put something in her duffle bag. This is the bad that she takes with her offshore. So after she left, I got up and started looking through her bag. (I know, I was snooping. I wasn’t getting the straight answers from heather so I invaded her privacy.) This day, August 18th, was the worst day of my entire life. What I found in heather’s bag was a journal…it had one entry (the night before…Aug.17th). The words I read in that single entry were the most scarring and deepest cutting words I have ever read in my life. I won’t repeat what was written there for it is way too painful. Let’s just say I was absolutely crushed, destroyed, and suicidal. It confirmed that she no longer loved me, that she slept with another man, and that she wanted to be with him forever. Perhaps my faith in God was the only thing that prevented me from going after my gun. The pain is still so fresh and devastating. I would not wish that on any of my enemies. I wanted to put my fist through the wall…instead I beat up the couch. All of my emotion seemed in slow motion. The thoughts ravaged my mind and my heart. No person should be exposed to that kind of pain. After a few minutes I was able to collect myself…I called heather’s cell and when she answered, I said, “we’re done” and hung up. She didn’t bother to call back. When she got home she said, “What was that all about.” Again I repeated, “We’re done.” Then she asked, “We’re you in something that you shouldn’t have been in?” I didn’t lie; I told her I was looking through her stuff. She then had the nerve to get mad at me for doing that. I yelled, “Let’s not make this about me snooping, let’s make this about you cheating on me…” She kinda snickered with an evil grin and said, “I knew you’d do that, so that’s why I wrote it…” Why is she being so cruel? I don’t know. Well, I cried and pleaded for answers and just couldn’t fathom the things she has been doing to me. She didn’t seem very remorseful. She did say she was sorry, but it wasn’t convincing. During this time that I’m spilling myself to her, she is as emotionless as before. Not until I mentioned suicide did she become visibly shaken and started crying. After I said what I had to say, I just sat there in silence. She didn’t leave the room right away. She sat on the couch, stared off into the distance and looked as though she was fighting back tears. But it was hard to tell. She then gathered some paper work and went to her NOAA office to prepare for a trip she was taking that night. Later that night she came back to get her work stuff and as she was walking out the door I stopped her and said, “I’m willing to give you one more chance. You have to be willing to take that chance though. Take some time to think about it and when you get back we’ll talk.” She nodded okay and left.
That was almost 4 weeks ago. She came home 9 or 10 days later at 4am. I had to work that next morning. She was asleep on the couch when I went to work. When I got home she left a note saying that she had Flicker (her favorite cat) for a few days and that when she got back she was going to look for an apartment. In that time, I have spoken to her once (less than a minute). She called to tell me that her grandfather died. Until last night she has been in Louisiana with the other guy, with the exception of about 2 days while she was at her grandfather’s funeral. We still have not talked.

And that is the story of my life over the last 3 or so months.

So, where does that leave me? Well, at the time of writing this, I have found what I believe to be acceptance. I have moved on from the denial stage. The pain is still there, but it just doesn’t sting as much. I do not know why heather has done the things she’s done. I do not know how she can walk away from 11.5 (okay so 8.5 in her eyes) wonderful years. And I’m not sure how she can do what she did and not feel any guilt. Maybe she does? Perhaps that is why she has lowered herself to smoking and drinking again. She is not the same person anymore. She is not the same person that you and I loved. She claims to be the same, but only she is the one that sees it that way. She has a new crop of friends and they are seeing a different heather. I fear she has entered her downward spiral. I no longer feel like the bad guy, for I know the ultimate failure of this marriage doesn’t rest on my shoulders. And I extended every opportunity for heather to make it right. I never gave up on her, until it was evident that she had given up on me.


I do hope that she does find happiness and I do wish her luck. I hope that she never forgets about me (even though she had done everything possible to erase anything physical that connects to me). And I do hope the day she realizes what she has done, she is surrounded by her family and friends. The pain will be unbearable.

In the next couple of days, I will be searching out lawyers to get the divorce process moving. I need to move on with my life now. I want to thank all of you that have been there for me. There is no way that I would’ve made it this far without you. Thank you for hugging me, thank you for listening to me, thank you for crying with me. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. Thank you for telling me things that my logical mind could see, but my heart couldn’t. Thanks for all your support. This will not be over for a few months, so I will still need your support. And I know I can count on that support.

I know what you are thinking…wow…this is unbelievable stuff. It is! I don’t know how many times I replayed all that had happened in my mind hoping that I would wake up from that nightmare. I’m sure you are exhausted after reading this…I know that I am experiencing it…

Again, thank you mom and dad, rob, Melissa and Luke, josh and Lisa, Ben, Greg, Judith, Laura, Jason, Ann Marie, Celeste, Chris, tom (my Barrios boss), and Brian (my NASA boss).